Chapter 3; On Shovelists and Shovelism

PS wins an award.

AC is short for Award Committee.

PS is short for Potential Student.

Can you guess what I am poking at?

AC: Well done Potential Scholar! Here's an award and one hundred dollars!

PS: What? What did I do?

AC: You've won the Scholar Award!

PS: I have? But, I have not even sat for the exams yet. Study leave only started a week or so ago...

AC: It's not for your results...it's the hope you've given us FOR your results. That's why you're receiving this coveted award, and the one hundred dollars.

PS: Well, I am flattered...I think I may give this hundred dollars away to charity somewhere...

AC: Do whatever you want, we just want to say that you are worthy of this award because we ARE expecting amazing things from your exams...no pressure of course.

PS: Hahahahah no pressure? *Breaking into a cold sweat

AC: Yeah, you've brought hope to the school. You've come up with plans for amazing school projects...that speech you made at assembly just opened everybody's eyes...I mean it's not like we've truly seen yet any of your ACTUAL and REAL achievements before our eyes...but we're looking forward to it hopefully seeing results in the school soon eh chap?

PS: Hahaha...no...pressure...yeah...

Interpret this how you like, but this is MY interpretation. PS has given great ideas and resurrected hope among his schoolmates. The award he has received is usually only received by the student who proves himself by achieving excellet exam results. We do not even know PS' exam results yet, but the AC has decided to give him this award already because of his charisma, the apparent changes he is making to the school and the hope he has brought back to the school's populace.

Does PS really deserve this award?

Perhaps AC is giving PS the award in order to pressure PS into doing extremely well. This is PS' cycnical plan: when PS is awarded with something so prestigious, he will feel obliged to perform well as it is imperative that PS is successful.

Show Me.

Show me that you're worth it.
Show me what I'm worth to you.
Show me that my worth to you is limitless.
Show me what I mean to you.
Show me what I really mean to you.
Show me that I'm not wasting my time.
Show me that I'm not wasting my feelings.
Show me that I'm not wasting my tears.
Show me that it's still there.
Show me what you used to.
Show me that nothing's changed.
Show me it's still the same.
Show me that you want it.
Show me that you really want it.
Show me that you won't give up.
Show me so that I won't give up.
Show me and let me know.
Show me so that I will let you know.
Show me what you promised me.
Show me because I promised you.
Show me so I won't have to ask.
Show me so I don't have to wonder.
Show me the truth.

Show me it's still there. Show me you can see it still. Because it's still here.

Nice Knowing You.

Whoever said that friends stick around while boyfriends come and go either had the clingiest friends in the entire world...or I just did not make a strong enough friendship bond.

It is not fair of me to name names. These were people who I laughed with all day long, the people who put their arms around me and said we were the best of friends - who said we were inseparable - who made me feel I would be one of them no matter what. It is not fair for me to keep quiet either. Any normal human being would feel hurt; I have the right to feel hurt. You are away for ten months, I guess it is natural to come back to strangers who were once your friends. During those two months back at home, the awkwardness was like a giant invisible elephant in the room. We should have all stopped kidding ourselves, we're not friends anymore - we're just acquaintances now - USED TO BE friends.

I do not blame anyone. It is nobodies fault. Distance and time will have its detrimental effects on relationships. What I find disconcerting is our pretending that we can all still be friends. I get it, I have not been around for ten months. I do not really belong with you anymore. I am sad, are you? There is no point trying to fix something that will never be as shiny new as it was the first time.

What I can say is thank you for the times we were good friends. Thank you for the things you have opened me up to. Thank you for spending some time with me. Last of all, before we take our own paths on this fork in life's road: good luck and it's been nice knowing you.

Le Passif

Since the last time I posted an entry on this blog, I have developed a great deal. It has only been around two month since my last entry and developing so much in a such a short amount of time is rather exhausting. Applying to universities is like giving myself a huge slap on the face with the palm of reality. In a few months time, I am going to hit 19 years of my life. This time next year, I will be starting my undergraduate study in one of my top university choices, insyAllah, Amin.

Brushing up on my essay skills, I cannot help but feel that I must clearly define the key terms I use in my writing. I wonder if anyone, at this point, has questioned yet what I mean by 'developed'. Development is linked to growth, but I am not satisfied with such a simple explanation. I like to think that the development I have gone through has matured my thinking process - I like to think that I have the sufficient analytical software already installed in my brain for university.

I am scared. I would prefer to have my emotional breakdown now rather than when I am already in the real world and it is too late to change any terrible decisionsI have made. I wish this time limit on deciding what the rest of your life while shape as did not exist. I wish I could just spend the rest of my life still planning for the rest of my life.

It is so weird to think that I am sitting here, just months away from university.

I thought it was only yesterday I was sat in STPRI's library and cramming IRK into my head.
I thought it was only yesterday I was freaking out over my O level French oral examinations.
I thought it was only yesterday I received my O level results over the phone while I babysat kids in Stella's school.
I thought it was only yesterday my Mother tearfully called me up on my phone and told me "Diah, result Diah keluar."
I thought it was only yesterday I got back from OBBD.
I thought it was only yesterday I had come back from watching Narnia II.
I thought it was only yesterday I surprised you at your sister's doorstep in Reading.
I thought it was only yesterday I was back in Strath again.

Last year, one month went by so slowly. Today I stand here, not believing that it has been one year and one month.

NOT HAPPY.

I AM NOT HAPPY. WHY?

No one bothered to tell me or Fina that today's meeting was cancelled.
I am here at K1 with Fina, apanya orang Brunei: PEDAH.
When there is new info, or a change in plans I TEXT EVERYONE, I LET EVERYONE KNOW.
Kalau kamu kana bagitau new info, duii malai lambat kamu kan bagitau aku - bukan lagi lambat nyamu, inda ku kana bagitau wah.
Is it so hard to text everyone to just let them know hari ani inda jadi?
I could be sleeping in right now.
I am still really sleepy from last night because I came back really late from the hospital.
Now aku nada transport balik ke rumah so stuck lah ku ni seharian kali di sini.
Buduh eh.
Duduk duduk tah ku ni di sini, pakai baju kurung ku - buat nothing.

Well you will not be seeing me back here until the 24th. Kalau page yang ku buat atu bida, jangantah kan complain complain lagi.

Waste of my bloody time tah jua banar.

Awu, I do have a right to be effing peffed off pagi ani.

I was never

I was never a bright little girl, nevertheless I find myself sitting here today as a scholar. Most people are able to recall memories dating back to when they were one or two years old - I can't do that. The earliest non-blurry memory I have was of running towards a car that I thought was my Dad's but was not. I was probably six or seven years old? Before that everything else is white noise except for perhaps one or two details because they had a huge impact on me.

One detail was maybe because it was the first time I felt rejection by a group. I was definitely still crawling because my view was a carpet. Every time I crawled towards the group of kids who sat in a circle, they would all get up and move away. I remember thinking nothing of it at first, but after the pattern repeated, I realised that they didn't want me. It was the first time I felt rejection. Perhaps that's why I remember it clearly. Now at eighteen, with teenage dramas occuring in my life, rejection is more frequent than usual and it becomes the kind of thing you accept easily. It could be rejection from people who were never going to be your friends, or people who were once your very good friends. They both hurt, the latter more than the former.

Rejection sucks, so when you finally find someone who will never want your life to suck, you hold on to them tight.

I only started realising the existence of years, months, days, hours, minutes and seconds 1997, when one day the teacher told me to write the date on the top corner of my piece of paper. I remember writing "/97" and that was when I truly understood the concept of a date and a year. My mother told me that I started reading and writing at an early age, much earlier than any of my four little sisters. Yet I cannot recall ever learning the process of reading and writing. It almost feels as if I was born knowing how to read and write. I first realised I was able to read after reading a short story by Enid Blyton. It was about a man who thought his coat's pocket was magical, but in fact he had switched coats with someone else by accident. That was the first time I enjoyed the cleverness of twists in stories.

The point of my post is that I am surprised that some people can remember wayyy back to when they were just a few months old. I think my brain only started kicking in to full gear at the age of seven, and I would say that's pretty late. I really never was the brightest bulb.

Green means go.

None of my thoughts today contributed any significance towards my life so I rather not blog about anything. However, a piece of today's dialogue exchanged between my siblings amused me. You could say the kids unknowingly came up with a genius exchange of words that I really liked. It's hard trying to pinpoint my feelings towards it exactly. If I were to use Bruneian slang, I would say "Aku tepakai"- summed up perfectly in a beautiful language.

Iman: Okay, I'm gonna put the coin under the carpet.

Nina and Nadia: Okaaaaay.

Iman: When I clap my hands, the coin is gonna transfer from the carpet to behind my ears.

Nina and Nadia: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Iman: TADA! Look, the coin's here!

Iman pulls a coin out from behind her left ear.

Nina: THAT'S NOT A TRICK, THAT'S JUST FURTHER PROOF THAT YOU'VE GOT HUGE EARS.

Tepakai ku wah that little moment in the Saiful sisters' life, as sisters.

Or we could kick it old school,
just like Awangku Saiful and si Dayang Salina.

Pump it up

Being back in Brunei, I am now only working out like thirty minutes a day and just once or twice a week. On top of the decrease of my activeness, I am eating the fair share of food I missed out on while living in the UK. I miss the readily available sports activities we had for eay daily workout. Today's workout did not end with a full breakout of sweat, the kind that feels so good as it comes out your pores. Fifteen minutes into my routine I started feeling a little dizzy, probably not fully recovered from my sniffles and eye infection bubble thingy.

Syah, Fizul and their friend Saiful caught me at ugly hour while I was working out today. I had my hair tied up and scooped back; I was wearing a T shirt and a pair of shorts. Thank God for jeans and hair bands. This is one reason why surprise visits are a bad idea I guess, when I get married and have my own place - everyone will have to call before they come over to avoid any type of embarrasments on both parties behalf.

Tonight's going to be another great night, insyAllah :) They better have those fireworks ready because my camera's battery is currently charging and I am definitely looking forward to getting picked up by Mon Petit Copain.

Screw the hiatus.

As my title says, being back at home with proper internet has brought back my blog layout designing passion as you may observe. My first work in months, it has been a while since I have done some designing.

Are people expecting me to blog about how different things have become since I left? I don't feel like it's different at all. In fact, it's as if I never left at all if we were to ignore the new couples or singles and the fact that PTEB is now PTEM.

It's been okay so far but the fun hasn't peaked yet.

AJ.

I have not been blogging for a while.

I probably will not be blogging for a while.

With you around, I find it easier to accept myself as I am.

Brunei and the IMF.

What does it matter what the IMF thinks about Brunei, any way? They should stop interfering in our fiscal policy. They are a useless outfit. If we reach a stage when we don't have money, they will engage in "conditional lending", lend money to us with many, many conditions. Then this will impoverish our people.
They will have many conditions:- Abolish the subsidies, abolish the low cost housing, abolish the bumiputra scheme that gives positive discrimination to the locals etc. That is why Malaysia could not borrow money from them during the financial crisis and Dr. Mahathir had to think up his own way. When Pehin John Lee and the Seri Begawan were managing our money, they did so in a responsible way. They did not need the IMf or their advice. Anyone who thinks the IMF and World Bank will benefit Brunei, should read the book entitled, "50 years is enough" about IMf and the World Bank.
Sometimes our locals are sent for attachment to these international financial institutions. They come back starry eyed. Not knowing that these institutions are harmful in a crisis. They are a form of financial colonisation. They lend you money, and then you do as they say. You lose your sovereignty in the process. Just look at Indonesia and who toppled Suharto. The people? No! The IMF! The less we have to do with the IMf the better!

Someone posted this on Brudirect.com

I thought I would put in my debating and analyticial enocomic skills to use. It is time I get more serious about this subject I want to pursue in Oxford (insyAllah).

It is a nice thought to have: the idea of Brunei not needing to resort to involvement with such an instituition for financial help. Yet in my humble opinion we must not stick our noses in the air and refuse help from them. The future performance of an economy may be subjected to a certain degree of speculation yet we never know when we might need their help. Yes, Malaysia was able to get themselves out on their own but what if we are not so lucky, Nauzubillah?

And no, we do not want to end up like Indonesia but have you taken into consideration the nature of Bruneians? "Toppling Suharto" - look at what the Bruneian citizens are like: is an economic idea really enough to push people towards losing sovereignty? Will taking a step towards making an agreement with the IMF have this kind of effect on our people?

I do not see what is wrong with allowing locals to involved in attachments with the IMF though. Surely, sending them for attachments to gain valuable experience does not necessarily mean the IMF are going to come to our country and immediately put in effect their actions. Is our country actually seeking help from the IMF? (I don't know, I'm only a student and honestly the economy of Brunei is still a mystery to me)

The reason I replied is because I do not see these extreme ideas as valid reasons NOT to send people for attachments with the IMF. There can only be added value if the people we send have a good grip of what is good for our economy - only absorbing and utilising the good knowledge so that they don't come back all "starry eyed". If they do come back all "starry eyed", they should not have been sent in the first place perhaps? Perhaps what we need to do is pick those who will be of definite use and will be able to think through the policies without submitting to looking at the IMF on a golden pedestal. I see the logic in your arguments, but perhaps it is too extreme to state that we should never want to be involved with them.

Lastly, I am only an AS student with limited amount of economic understanding. Therefore, my reply's validity only goes so far. I would like to think though, that more and more Bruneians are open to starting debates like these. My generation needs more intellectual stimulation.

I actually feel so unequipped as I reply this. Is my knowledge really enough?

Hari ani si Anu belayar. Take care By, I can't wait to see you soon :)

I am counting too.

Bulletpoints time, I am way too lazy to type out paragraphs. I will now proceed to listing out the latest events that have a significance in my life, even if you do not care about them.
The start of this week was quite rocky for me, but by yesterday afternoon everything was better again. That's what I call the power of communication.
My Ministry of Sound workout DVD arrived on Monday and I tried it out last night. I likey.
Rounders is a fun game but to keep the fun going on, it should only be played once a week or not the magic is just gone.
It is possible to get better at tennis.
I miss Basketball; training's been postponed for two whole weeks now thanks to the fourth formers and their need to be examined. By the time we hit the court again I am going to be as rusty as my first day.
I thought Blogger had been blocked by the school finally but turns out it was perhaps just an error in the library. Can I make it clear to everyone though that I can't view BLOGS and TAGBOARDS. The only way I view blogs is through Google Cache if it's possible and through my phone which takes up too much time. I only reply tags when I am on holiday and have full access to the internet.
I bought two dresses during my weekend in Glasgow. One of them is white :) Hehe.
Staying on this new eating routine (I refuse to call it diet) is really really difficult. But I am trying. My best. I really, really am.
Misses her 5 sisters, yes you read it right FIVE sisters. I would never exclude Syahirah Chua from my list of sisters. Plus, I can not believe she opened up a Facebook account as her Friendster died only after a few days after birth and her Hotmail and MSN are already beyond the golden ages of inactivity. Syah, who persuaded you to open a Facebook account. Was it Fizul? Does he know what he's sucking you into? Facebook is a big responsibility, can you handle this Miss Vice-prez? (Obviously I am joking and you should have realised that by now)
Amal and Wana are not getting two separate game consoles. Either they share the Nintendo DS, or they are getting something else. Sorry babies.
These things have been on my mind: That checkered dress from Dorothy Perkins; The new LG ice cream flip phone; Motorola V9; That flight on the 7th; I want to watch Star Trek; I need a new pair of shoes and I need to pee.
By the time 2010 comes rolling along, the family's saying hello to a new baby and I am beyond excited. Of course, I am not sacrificing my room.
16 hari lagi tinggal Beh :)

SHEDDING PEOPLE!

A friend of mine bagitau aku yang ada someone ucap sesuatu ku type "stupid" - sesuatu yang ku type dalam bahasa asing (French atau English entah, I don't know). Aku tau wah, kenapa ia ucap aku stupid. It's okay, biar ia have their day. Jahatku sampai sini saja, I'm diplomatic thanks to my Father's patience. I am a human being. If you hate me, I understand. I'm sorry.

(Last night the above paragraph was longer, I was angry and hurt. Lots of people know what happens when I get angry and I release it on my blog. I realised I wasn't that girl anymore - so I took it away and what's left is the above paragraph. I kept the paragraph because I don't know how to react to that person. Kan marah inda jua patut, she can't help it I guess. In her eyes, I'm the bad person. All I can offer is my apologies. Aku inda sengaja.)

Moving on to more interesting news.

I - with a push from someone - am starting my all new healthy eating regime...today. There is no denying the fact that there is a lot of shedding that needs to be done to my weight. (It fluctuates like crazy while I'm in school, but then on holiday I pack it all back up) So now, rather than facing the pain of it fluctuating so much, I am going to try to stick to the plan of keeping it as low as possible. As in, to not neglect it while I am on holiday even when I am in London and Chicken Spot is oh so cheap. Plus I'm coming home soon. Every girl dreams of going away and being remembered as the overweight ugly girl and coming back home VA VA VOOM HOT.

(Or in my case just looking a little lighter because I'm not really going to make a drastic change in a few weeks time).

Obviously no help from PENG who keeps reminding me of chocolates, fudges and the good food in London. Thank you oh my supportive roomie who lives across my room.

Anyway, before Peng interrupted; I have been inspired by all the articles I read on MSN after logging out of my Hotmail. The articles are really inspiring. It almost makes me feel like it's going to succeed this time.

Stepping aside from the blinding spolight, yes I realise I am blogging this publicly on the internet. I have spent years being so insecure about my weight, I think it's time I just cringe in the light of shame and be all out saying I want to lose weight so bad. OH MY GOD IT'S OUT THERE. Ai karumba.

I mean this is not just any normal sized teenaged girl's story of "OMG I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT 'CAUSE I WANNA FIT IN TO MY PROM DRESS!" Being in Strath gave me a taste of a healthy life - we do so much sports (at least more than I usually ever did in my life before), waking up with my aching body knowing that my muscles are being toned - it's a good feeling. Cutting back on some food and looking in the mirror and realising your double chin is decreasing in size...it is a really good feeling.

So you know, I am trying to be as much of an adult here as I can. I am going to give this a try. And jeez, I hope it's going to work out. Amin =/

You make me smile. 23 days left - 23 :)

Red Delicious.

On Monday at exactly 11 am in the morning, the invigilators declared me free as a bird until the day my results come out. What scares me is that I am now feeling completely guilt free whenever I loiter around in my room or around the house doing nothing because in fact, I have nothing to be done. I am a tad bit too care-free in my opinion. I hope the catch is not going to be my results in the end. I have a feeling my lucky streak might stop once my AS results come out. Oh goat.

25 days, does not sound like much does it? Oh believe me, 25 days from where I am standing looks like the stretch to eternity. This is going to be the slowest three weeks of my life, I can tell already.

I am not in an expressive mood. Forgive me for this empty post. Maybe later when my brain decides to kick in to opinionated mode?

MERDE!

I CAN'T REVISE.

I JUST CAN'T!

WHY? WHY? WHY?

>.<

Raising the base.

I don't have reasons as to why I have not updated my blog for a while; instead I have excuses. Well, to me they sound more like excuses than reason. A lot going on right now, focusing on my studies, don't really have time for my blog but that doesn't mean it's not important. I am just spitting a load of bull here people, right? I know, I know. The prioritiser would say: "If your blog meant so much to you, you would still update it even if you had the busiest schedule on Earth. It's not like you can't do it." Oh dear, what is wrong with me?

Five more papers to go. mdfk.

Logarithms is my priority right now, it should be logarithms whom I attend to. I have made a commitment to logarithms, people. But what is wrong with me, why am I keeping my laptop video collection happier than logarithms? I didn't commit to my laptop video collection, I commited to logarithms! Why am I doing this to logarithms, why why why? I am sorry logarithms if you feel so neglected when you're watching me and my laptop videos act so friendly and close with each other. I know I promised to study you, and I will today. I will try. I swear.

(To be honest logarithms, I don't get you. Why can't you just make yourself clearer to me? If I just knew exactly what you were about, we wouldn't be having problems right now.) Yes everyone, only Nadia could create a link between maths and relationships. Oh stop analysing me, you're not going to figure out what's going on through what you read on my blog.

Exam, sekulah and then balik pls.

Alors les gars!

Demain, j'aurai un examen oral en français. J'ai peur parce que j'ai besoin des bonnes notes pour continuer ma bourse. J'ai pratique mon français; j'ai parlé à moi-même en français. Mais, je suis sûr que mes efforts ne sont pas suffits. En plus de cela, le prof qui va nous examiner est mon prof. La vie n'est pas juste.
A mon avis, je suis devenue foue. Mais, ce n'est pas un problème parce que je sais que mon petit ami m'aime encore. Je sais que mes amis m'aiment encore. Ma famille aussi.
L'idiot dans mon groupe peut parler français comme un parisien, je croix que ce n'est pas juste parce qu'il est un grand cochon. Il aime dire que je parle français très bien, mais il est évident qu'il dit un mensonge. Parce qu'il est un cochon.
Joanna veut pratiquer le français avec moi, mais je suis trop fatiguée. Il faut que je dors maintenant. Au revoir mes petits champignons.

BISMILLAHIRAHMANIRAHIM!

Bonne chance, Nadia!

Jon and Kate equal rumour bait.

UPDATE: Jon and Kate suck as a couple and parents. I change my mind.

Anyone watch Jon and Kate plus Eight? I've seen one or two episodes, the series is evidently aimed to help out other parents with parenting - there's no intention for drama or controversy, it's just two parents bringing up a hell lot of kids (for Western standards of course, wait till they do a show about a Malay family, haha).

I think the tabloids peering into the private relationship between Jon and Kate is disgusting. Even if Jon is really having an affair and cheating on Kate, I firmly object to the media blowing it out all over the papers. This is just sabotaging people who are new and innocent in the entertainment business. I don't mind gossip on Beyonce and Jay Z, or Lindsay Lohan and her lesbo mate Sam Ronson because these people ask for the limelight. These people benefit from the limelight and it is their occupation - to feed the tabloids.

Kate's a normal woman raising a not so normal family. But in the end she's a woman who has her man, Jon. How the hell will she cope knowing that people out there are reading about the so-called infidelity of the father to her children - eight freaking children? And what kind of people find pleasure in reading such materials? These are not the kind of people the tabloids should exploit. I am not against tabloids and paparazzi, really. I just thought today's world's media had a little bit more class, morality and sensitivity.

These stairs.

All I have to do is get down these stairs as quickly as possible and exit right through that red door. It's not very far you know, there are only fifty or so steps to get down. I could just speed right on down and throw myself into whatever there is behind that red door.

But I can't.

There's this old man with a walking stick right in front of me. He is walking awfully slowly and he is just taking his time as he goes down the steps one by one. Each time he lands on a step, he takes his time; he takes in deep breaths, stretches his legs and thinks for a while before proceeding on to the next step. I wish this place had an elevator, I would have been down there in no time already. I am growing impatient, I want to go through that red door ASAP.

I try to move past him, squeeze through the side so I can rush on past him. As I try to step down beside him, the old man blocks my paths with his walking stick and shakes his head. He gives me a surprisingly toothy grin (An old man with perfect teeth? Fake, no doubt) and as I try to push past him one more, he hits his walking stick against the ground harder.

"For God's sake Nadia! Don't you get it?"

I stand there in shock at the fact that he knows my name. What the hell.

"How do you - "

"Know your name?" he chuckles to himself and sticks his tongue out to me. What a peculiar old man, "Do you not recognise me?"

"Grandfather...?" I shift nervously on the step, unsure of myself. Maybe this really is my Grandfather, I haven't seen him in ages so I'm bound to perhaps forget what he looks like kind of. He narrows his eyes and look disappointed.

"No, it's me...your old frenemy..."

So our conversation starts.

Nadia: Oh My God.

Time: Exactly the reaction I wanted.

Nadia: I didn't recognise you, you look so old and weary.

Time: That bad? Seriously?

Nadia: Yeah...you look really, really old.

Time: Wow, you sure know how to make an old man feel better. Maybe I should just take my time gettign down these stairs.

Nadia: Why are you doing this on purpose? Why are you dragging yourself along this week?

Time: Are you getting frustrated? You want to skip down these stairs as quickly as possible?

Nadia: Well, yes! You know what's waiting for me behind those doors! I want to get there as quickly as possible.

Time: No.

Nadia: Wha - why not?!

Time: Because it's time you appreciate where you stand first before you bugger off to the next step.

Nadia: I do appreciate...I AM...APPRECIATING!! Now will you just get a move on? I want to get there NOW. NOW NOW NOW.

Time: God, you impatient little bit -

Nadia: Oh for Pete's sake, I'm just going to -

Time: Oh no you don't!

*Time uses his walking stick and prevents me from moving past him. What is this; Harry Potter?*

Nadia: WHAT THE HELL?

Time: Listen woman, why do you think going down these fifty steps and getting through that door ASAP is going to make everything better?

Nadia: Because...it has to...

Time: What if it's not better down there? What if...this is as good as it gets?

Nadia: No, that can't be right. It will get better. Once I'm there...it's going to be...amazing.

Time: What if all there is, is hurt and pain? You'll be thanking me for getting down there slowly...You'll probably wish I had taken more of myself...

Nadia: What makes you think it's going to be hurtful and painful?

Time: What makes you think it's going to be amazing?

Nadia: Why? Why can't I just...

Time: Because although some humans are so predictable, others are so unpredictable they'll show up at your birthday party with their grandmother dressed as a parrot.

Nadia: Whuu?

Time: Okay, nevermind that. The thing is, didn't you ever stop to think that I have my reasons to delay you reaching the bottom of these stairs?

Nadia: No, I mean why would you do that to me?

Time: Why wouldn't I? Nadia, you're eighteen but still so naive...

Nadia: I don't know. Why are you bringing this up now?

Time: Trust me, I'm going to take my time, and you have to just walk slowly on behind me and trust me okay?

I am defeated by reason. My old frenemy is so persuasive. But I trust, so I follow.

Nadia: Okay then, I'll just shuffle on closely behind you...

Time: The longer this takes, I assure you, the greater will the other side of that door feel.

Nadia: Okay, okay.

So here we are, taking it step by step, as slowly as Time wants to go. But I know I'll get there in the end, and when I do I hope it's what I expect it to be. Because I can't wait to get down these fifty steps or so.

Monster.

There are certain things in life that turn us into "monsters". Now, I don't literally mean monsters as in green skin, horns, fangs or three eyes. I mean the human monster that lets their ugly side show: selfishness, intoleration, jealousy, ill-wishing, impatience, bitchiness to the extreme - and I'm not talking about a girl on her time of the month here ladies and gentlemen. It's when something goes wrong in the subject of something that we really really care about, we let this monster out and we are the most ugliest we can ever be as a human being. Those who suffer will be the people around us - those who we wish ill of, those who we bark at, those who don't feel at ease because they're so paranoid of your anticipated self-destruction.

I try my hardest not to be this monster when I'm under a lot of stress and pressure. If you're going through a hardship in your life, try not to load the whole burden on other people. We know you're upset (Inda puas hati nya orang Brunei), but be really careful of what you say. It's not their fault, you have no right going around acting like that and trying to make other people feel guilty. It's really, really childish and immature. Get a grip of yourself, go through this pain and get over it as soon as possible. It is possible.

I know I let this monster's head show sometimes, but I am trying my best to keep it under wraps. I used to just let it all out, all that anger and frustration for the world to read or see. I now see the reward there is in being patient.

I have learnt that patience has it's reward, maybe you should be patient too - and I am sure you will be granted your reward :)

I'm really really sorry.

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